Sparrows and Pines wont cure my slice

You were probably waiting for your friends to turn their heads so you could kick your ball from behind the tree- you were far too busy to question a name. I mean, what actually is a ‘sparrow ridge’? Have you ever actually seen a ‘robins bluff’? Furthermore, I’ve never had a nest of sparrows come to a green and evaluate my putting, and for me it's almost as rare to get to see an eagle on a green, begging the question- ‘Who creates golf course names?’

U.S. Golfer did not wish to conduct interviews, we simply investigated the formula. So pretend you and Jack Nicklaus just planted the last pine tree on the course you bought, and now it’s your job to name it...

Step 1. Disregard all primary animals, landmarks, habitats, and vegetation present on your course. (If this step were omitted, Sycamore on Mt. Hope would have ended up Goose Crap Plains...but with $4 winter green fees, there’s still a good chance we’d all show up.)

Step 2. Fill 2 hats with pieces of paper with labeled numbers:
Hat 1: 1-7 Hat 2: 1-8

Step 3a. Pull a number from Hat 1. Step 3b. Pull a number from Hat 2.

Step 4. Use our scientifically developed correlation table to fill in the blanks

Hat 1 1. Hawk 2. Green 3. Sparrow 4. Eagle 5. Thorn 6. Sparrow 7. Maple 8. Oak

Hat 2* 1. Ridge 2. Cove 3. Meadows 4. Hollow 5. Valley 6. Plains 7. Acres 8. Hills

*Use the following definitions to decipher your name:
Hollow (n.): cavity, hole, or surface depression
Meadow (n.): low-lying grassland
Cove (n.): a small sheltered inlet or bay
Ridge (n.): a range of hills

Step 5. (Perhaps the most critical) add the words ‘Golf Course’ (‘Golf Course’ may be replaced with ‘Country Club’ if you feel the need to observe the same retired people, doctors, and tennis players all year-round.)

___________________ _____________________ Golf Course

Our underlying research became so extensive, we were able to pinpoint other models, such as a simple version to name your Miniature Golf Course.

Hat 1 1. Pirate’s 2. Monster 3. Safari 4. Kooky

Hat 2 1. Den 2. Plaza 3. Cove 4. Adventure

Plus, we developed a system to make yourself sound like a genius at work, on the golf course, or wherever else your coworkers and boss might be. After obtaining your 3 digit number, your phrase (2-5-9 is systemized digital hardware) can be dropped into virtually any conversation or report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you’re talking about, but the important thing is that they’re not about to admit it.

Hat 1 1. total 2. systematized 3. parallel 4. functional 5. responsive 6. optional 7. synchronized 8. compatible 9. balanced 10. integrated

Hat 2 1. management 2. organized 3. monitored 4. reciprocal 5. digital 6. logistical 7. transitional 8. incremental 9. third-generation 10. conceptual

Hat 3 1. options 2. flexibility 3. capability 4. mobility 5. programming 6. concept 7. time-phase 8. projection 9. hardware 10. contingency

Despite a evident lack of creativity for golf course names, those of us attempting to send a divot farther than the ball are occupied elsewhere. Therefore, the name Penguin’s Plateau Golf Course, would probably no more turn our heads than a Robins Ridge. But, then again, maybe it’s the name that throws us off. That being said, I am challenging future golf courses to escape the realm of birds and painted scenery and move onto fish and natural disasters. When I’m looking for my ball at the edge of the water, disaster is a usually an accurate description.


~JRS